Things are about to get real up in here.
I am in one of the toughest seasons of my life. Beginning in January of 2017, I asked God what the following year would look like and he said, “A year of growth and preparation.” I had no idea it would end up like this.
After hearing those words “growth and preparation,” I told God OK here we go. And within that month I entered into a state of depression. I know, not what you were expecting.
I didn’t know what was going on with me at first. I was tired all of the time, had no motivation, didn’t want to get out of bed or see anyone. At the time I was meeting with a lady who was discipling me. Our relationship started as inner healing. Before the new year, I was looking into inner healing. I felt as though I needed to revamp my relationship with God and I had heard about it and wanted to give it a try. As you can probably tell, I had no idea what I was getting myself into.
I started out by sharing my testimony, however the next time we met, it got deep fast and I was then asking the Holy Spirit to reveal the walls I had built up in my life. This most likely is the reason come January I was not feeling like myself. I was starting to bring up pains of the past and then I shut down because I didn't truly want to deal with it. Hence the depression.
I would sit in the stillness as I cry out to God asking him to take the feelings away from me. I didn’t want to sit in this pain. Fast forward to August, and I started going to therapy. I can tell you this has been the hardest and best experience.
Ever since I can remember I have stuffed other emotions besides joy because I didn’t want to ever be in a state other than. But yes, I realize God has given us emotions for a reason. Jesus himself experienced different emotions. I am working on allowing myself to feel an emotion without running even if it’s painful, because really when you experience an emotion in a healthy way, it doesn't last long and you can move on. Nevertheless, I have never allowed myself to even get to that place and would turn to things such as exercise and food to mask the feelings.
This is a journey and a process and although it has not been easy, I am on the road to freedom. And let me tell you, through all of this God has never left me. Even in my lowest and hardest days I have felt the presence of the Holy Spirit beside me. Throughout this entire year God has reminded me He will never leave me. In the beginning, I was wondering why he was saying this to me every single day, but now I know because I needed to hear it and I still do. God will never leave me nor forsake me even when I feel as though I am in a pit of darkness. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.
The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Deuteronomy 31:8
This is hard to share, but I believe God wants me to continue sharing my story because for one I am not alone. There are many others who have similar stories. And two, the more I share, the less power it has over me.
I am on a journey to live a life of abundance in Jesus Christ. I am seeking freedom. And I know the victory is ours if we cling onto to Jesus forever and ever.